This may sound like a desperate blog post. But it is not. I tend not to write about my gay-ness because I feel odd to pick it out of the thousands of “me”. I hate bathing, I love the hair on my legs, I follow tech sites, I have an old collection of ToI Crest, I have a basket that people (really) recommend against taking outside home for vegetable shopping. That is me. I like guys, that is just a small part of me. Or is it?
When I think about it, love tends to take a disproportionate space in one’s life. Every song is an expression of love; in movies, there is rom-com and then there is drama for all others; nosey people mostly want to know about one’s love life; who is with whom tends to fill much traffic of gossip-chains in the corridors of any institution.
If I would want to tackle the subject personally, I would really like a person I can hug real hard while sleeping. I would like to hold hands in front of the world—damn you, the auto rickshaw and the oldie people! But I am afraid to. Just because I am gay means I have to hide it. Not that I want it, or I am dying by not doing so. And then there’s the fact that I have nobody to do PDA with! But still in a thought experiment, that seems really unfair. Why does the society assumes we are heterosexual? There is an assumption that my love belongs to the set of all people of opposite sex. No it is not! I have even played along in the past – jokes et al – because truth is bitter. But that is a really big issue to deal with, but that should not be.
And I have a solution. We all should come out to our parents when we turn 18. Or 21. But I would like 18; the earlier, the better. Point is, straight people should go through the same procedure that gay people go through. At least theoretically. Now I am not straight, else I would have done it only to be rebel. But I can’t, so all you 2-3 people who have ever read my blog, I am turning to you! If you are straight and supportive of gay rights, you should do it and document it. It is really symbiotic. We – not just gay people, but all of us – get a better world. And you particularly get good fodder to write about. How you had to go to every family member, friend, co-worker and enemy to tell them you are straight. Hah!
And I am serious about this. This is a very powerful gesture if done on a big-enough scale. One thing I hate even more than hate is assumption. It is an ignorance that could have easily be done with, if only there was someone to question those very assumptions. If someone approaches you even once, doesn’t it make you cynical of one’s sexual orientation? You would be forced to think who might be in closet. And it makes easier for gay people to come out. I have encountered 1-2 people with t-shirts proclaiming they are straight and proud of it. Really loved those guys! It made me giddy with happiness and I’m sure my gratefulness transcended the walls of my mind and touched their lives.
So hey. I not only have a problem but also a solution, admittedly something that asks you all to do much more than you get back in return. But a good deed comes back to you, that’s what I believe.
This post had started out as a general loneliness that pervades my life. But then, when I do think about it, I can’t attribute it to my being gay (that might be a nice excuse though :D). It just reflects the laziness and non-committal nature of mine and that is nobody’s fault but mine, if it is a fault at all.
But since I have a dearth of topics to write about, I might tell you about a guy who seems remotely and vaguely interested in me (else, I can’t imagine someone who is not my friend and occasionally asking me about my health and exams every week or so), but in whom I have no interest, nothing more than “friends” at least. But I want to explore it just to see what it looks like, no strings attached; I have never had a date ever after all!
Then I could even go on and tell you how I came to arrive at this hermit’s nest. I have had a colourful yet single life that has made me a really cynical guy. Ah, there is also this favourite story how I knew I was gay in the first place. There are lots and lots of things at the back of my mind. They just need to pop out, like today. Just wait for it!