I have been reading up on the gay stories and blogs over the WordPress and the rest of the internet for the past few days. Be it some heart-breaking coming out, Chic-Fil-A controversy, a cheesy romance between two high school boys, some reviews of movies I want to watch or an unlikely person supporting gay rights just for the sake of the gay community. It has filled me up to the brim. And then I read this: a guy wants us people to suggest what he should do when his supposedly straight friend gives him mixed signals. And now he says he got rejected because his friend is straight. Why does it happen?
I have already recounted with extraordinary details my misadventures with KTK (if someone tries to read this 2000+ words monstrosity, please forgive me for being ambiguous; it was the not my best day). I remember the giddy feeling that I used to have talking to him. I became very good at selective listening and ignored the big red danger bulbs. I thought he would confess to me he is gay and nothing would be the same again. Instead he turned out to be perfectly well straight and I think he was just playing with me. Or did he feared the outcome? I still don’t know his motives.
And I have learned very hard lessons from the experience. You have to clarify the terms early on in the game. I don’t even look at my (supposedly) straight friends and demand an out and about person to mingle because heart can rear a dangerous second head all separate of its own. That makes my life even less fun but much more simplified. I have never met an out gay man ever in my life. On the other hand, I myself have formally told only a select bunch of friends. I thought people read sexual orientation on Facebook, but I was dead wrong. So the rest of the crowd would have to play a guessing game with mine, as I have to with others’.
Just yesterday I got a Facebook message from a friend. We were introduced through a mutual friend a few months back. He doesn’t reside in my area, we don’t study in the same college, he gets free at about 7 pm in the evening every week. This effectively means we cannot meet each other until we make a pure effort on either’s part. I used to think he is not be interested in me. But when went away to Bangalore this summer for internship, he made it a point to meet me before going away. That was because we had not seen each other for quite a time. And then he gave me his Bangalore number when he went there. For the first time, I don’t feel that I am being a chep†. It feels mutual. He knows I’m gay because I asked me early in our friendship, but I shirked the matter and he hasn’t brought it up ever since.
He comes out as a mature and intelligent guy and I seem to blossom into a silly, giggly boy when he comes near me. He is mostly silent and prefers listening to talking. That disconcerts me. Is he like that with everyone, or is it only me? I really don’t need another friendship in my life. I need something more and he is the perfect opportunity. We usually don’t talk with each other since our lives pan out in entirely different directions but manage to get in touch at intervals. It is mostly him who initiates first, since I tend to avoid being a chep. And when I come to think of it, the less inclined I am to talk to anyone in the future, the more carefree and shameless would I be how I carry myself.
I had resolved to make explicit whatever it is that is going between us whenever we would go out again. We have done little outings before, and I still don’t know whether they were dates or not. I guess not. But would they be in the future? I don’t want to carry another lump in the pit of my stomach, therefore I’m eager to talk to him, although he is a satellite in my life; neither does he comes near my life much, nor does he ever fade away. A constant side-track. The only time we could appreciably meet each other was summer holidays when he went to Bangalore.
I am not in love with him, nor do I strongly like him. Mostly I don’t even remember him, as I don’t even know him well. But he pops into my head sometimes and I feel something inside me. Thus my agenda includes mostly to take out some time for that guy. And when we visit Jama Masjid (we had decided to go there together), I might even ask him if he is gay and open the Pandora’s Box. He might not remain a friend, but he never was. I have let many of my closer friends wither away due to negligence. I would not particularly feel bad about it. Yet, there is a different side of the problem: since I don’t feel anything about him, why do I bother with him at all? Because I want to test the waters; earlier the better.
And yes. The guy in the earlier post was actually quite brave. He had a crush on his bandmate yet he talked to him when he saw a chance. In my eyes, he would have won either way. (-:
And no, I have not stopped spotting the eye-candy in the crowd. Rather I make it a point to follow an attractive stranger till my route allows. Who knows? He might just down the road. :D It happened just today. A guy with a block black t-shirt was standing with me at Karampura bus stop. He might even be a male model standing tall and cute. I noticed him when I saw him looking at me approaching. My eyes just couldn’t peel off from himself. Just as he was about to take the Metro feeder, I hopped behind him inside. I was wasting my day pass of DTC and an extra Rs 20 in the process. But he was worth it. Strong muscle arms and a face worth dying for, he was also my personal hero. He gave his seat to another lady during the journey. *Swooon* My eyes took discrete shots sideways all along. As it turned out, I had to get off earlier than him (heartbreak!) but mine was the penultimate stop; he had to live in the vicinity of a friend. My loss is her gain and, in the end, I would be happy to share him with her if he stays in the family and I get to ogle him all my life. Win!
The other day I was following another guy and he seemed to be much closer to my house than I thought. Yet I had to leave his trail midway since I saw a former classmate in the market. It felt frustrated to live in a market area where anyone and everyone seems to be loitering around, but I know where my priorities lie (pride). I left the guy – who wasn’t particularly handsome anyways – and called my unsuspecting friend for a little chit-chat. Boyfriends come and go, but friends make us who we are.
†chep (चेप or [chep]) means to cling to someone. I used chep though, because it has many dimensions to it. It is generally offensive to be a chep, but it can be a pretty humorous too if used affectionately. It is absent from dictionaries, yet is commonly recognised among all. I don’t how old it actually is, but it is mostly a word used by younger people. Essentially, nothing except ‘chep’ can do it for me, but I often substitute it with ‘sticky eczema doll’. :D