There is horror hidden in that jumble of letters. It is 3:39 in the morning. That 1-minute discrepancy, for those who actually bothered to take notice, is because (guess, guess!) my computer clock is still ticking thankfully blissfully unaware that its only admirer is writing his blog. So yes, it is morning enough that birds would be chirping any minute now. Not so much horrifying except for the fact that I have to write this blog, study for tomorrow’s test and sleep a good night’s sleep—all within the next 6 hours. Especially difficult for me who takes 6 hours to complete each of the aforementioned activity.
But hey. It sounds weird. Sitting awake in the early morning and waiting for the birds to chirp so that I can be horrified properly. No, they have hidden themselves from this biting weather. At least conventional wisdom says so. But I don’t buy this theory. If birds have survived the dangerous microwaves from our radio towers, why couldn’t they survive the minimum temperature of 14°C, 6 degrees below normal? Moreover, and more importantly, it has something to do with me. It so happened that we went to Japanese Park today… and here I start a seemingly random rant, but which is chronologically faithful, and about 10-15 minutes divorced from the end of last (half-)sentence.
You see, I share this laptop with my sister. And therefore, we have to compromise on our time on this very valuable asset. It so happens that I spend a lot of time using it, but fair distribution is not equal distribution, is it now [the last question, “Parent’s Cookbooks”]? Fairness to me is all about how much you need to use something. So when my sister comes to me for a minute of computer use, because whatever she wants to do is “very important”, I allow her by default. But what does she do? Browse Facebook, check each incoming notification, scroll through the newsfeed down and down… while I am sitting there on the sidelines waiting for her to leave “in two minutes”. When I do protest, that is every time, she tells me I use it so often that it doesn’t leave her any time. Really? When I am using computer while she is sleeping, should that be counted against me? Or when she was out, supposedly in college and hopefully not wasting the money that the family has been investing on her. Okay, right now I am really irked by this behaviour, when this she has done the same to me all along. Why now? Maybe the dam broke. Or maybe the fact that she didn’t respect my time for the third time in a small three hour window.
So what if she has an exam scheduled on 19th. As a student myself, I do know I can’t say to her that she should stop wasting her time in exam and squeeze every moment out to study for the exams. But I can and do say to her that she should tell me when she needs computer. There is nothing called life-critical, unless you happen to be a doctor. She has told me many of her stories where she hadn’t replied to a faculty for days on end. And here she comes charging at me asking for the computer, for ‘just’ a minute. And then that minute expands to fill whatever time she has at hand. Half an hour is not an exaggeration. What am I to do? Stare at her newsfeed? Or stare at the ghastly light pink walls that she so stubbornly painted the room she mostly sits in (it’s not her room because officially it’s not her room; it is anybody’s room where mostly she sits and makes it a point to make it uncomfortable for others to sit there so that someday people would start calling it her room; bad luck). I love metric units because they are universal and precise. So when she says to me 1 minute (=60 seconds), I figure I can’t use computer for the next 60 seconds. And I can’t squeeze anything into a minute to utilize it. Not just work but anything: not TV, not radio, not a song, not a book, not even a newspaper and certainly not a sleep. I am bound to wait for the computer to free up. And I wait.
And wait. And wait… till how long? it is already 10 minutes. Any grace period that I give and always give seems less to her. She is waiting there, staring at the photos of any random stranger; I wouldn’t be surprised if she would get hold of one you people’s account and start browsing it too. Click, scroll down, repeat. What is the addiction to Facebook, I wouldn’t ever know. And you are talking to a guy who checks his Facebook account religiously, multiple times a day. Whose browser auto-expands f|acebook.com| and whose top site is Facebook. He has a girl as a sister, whom he thinks she is a Facebook addict. And I don’t care. What I do care is the fact that she is making me wait till eternity or till the second I lose my patience. See, there is no verifiable time in that statement. She just sits there and clicks, scrolls down and clicks again, again and yet again. Until I finally do speak up. Then her clock finally starts ticking for yet more 5/10 minutes. She is fine with it. But clearly, I am not.
Notice that taking hold of the laptop yet again requires a rise in blood pressure. Bloods have to boil, tongues have to scathe, tone has to take that edge, before she finally starts ticking her damn clock. What options do I have to avoid it? Really, none. After I surrender the laptop to her, none. I can plead at her sides, trying to decipher her side of logic, asking her patiently when she would give me laptop back or just plain sit there, I am merely a mosquito a little big to get swatted by her. I am a part of the thermal that she has to endure and that is only distracting her from Facebook. If I do take the laptop physically away, she warns me menacingly not to do that. Yes, even I don’t like doing it. But doesn’t she know she is disrespecting my time. And by now, disrespecting me. And the fact that she doesn’t care a bit makes it even more grating.
After a point, you start losing your self-respect and you have to earn it. if you have to twist an arm or two, so be it. Because once you lose it, you lose it forever. I am still not able to right this post correctly, my thighs are still quaking a little, any thought of my “sister” is nauseating… and this is not helping me at all. I just wanted to throw it at someone, but in this blog I am merely seeing a mirror at most. I can’t talk to a wall. I need a solution but she wants none. After the computer is gone, she just doesn’t want to set boundaries, rules, time regulations, none. At the last moment, all her important works (mostly the ones she asked laptop for anyway) pop up, and then she begs me for a few more of her time. How can I forgive these blatant transgressions? She does it because I let her do it. I do it because I feel she might really be needy this time. But there is no end to it. I just have to refuse her any computer time. If she needs it, we have to negotiate till she gets the time she wants and I get the time I want. And if I’m not using the computer, well, who am I to stop her. I just can’t let my time be the doormat of her Facebook.
So, here I am. totally detached from the happiness that I felt. It is all anger and pent-up frustration now. I can’t wake her up and say it to her. I only would get more aggravated. I just need to sleep, skip my studies and wake up 4 hours form now hoping I want to see her face yet again. There was a time when I used to cherish this property of ours that we bury the past behind really quickly, but time has told me it was only on my initiation or when she really needed me for something that we started talking again. I don’t cherish her ugly face now, and her hurting comments for me like I am a nobody. She actually tells me I am good for nothing and when I object, she tells to accept it as a fact. Yes, I don’t know how to talk to people, and prefer to do work behind the scene rather than coming out and taking the initiative. I might be a little cowardly too. I know it because I am me and I’m not blind to myself. But that doesn’t warrant sweeping, ambiguous, offensive terms slapped on me like they were facts. Like I couldn’t ever overcome my inhibitions. She didn’t like our father because he was very unsupportive. I am sorry to say but she stands on shaky ground right now. She is supportive only when she feels something would help me. Not for me. I can’t believe I like to sit and talk with a girl most of the time, when she is such a judgemental person that my heart cringes.
It feels cathartic after writing that last paragraph. Now I just need to find a place and cry my heart out. I hope my dry tear glands won’t betray me now.
- My trip to Sur’s home.
- Mittal’s birthday treat at insti in Japanese Park and the birds there.
- Mittal’s another birthdat treat; this time with college friends at QDs.
- My evil plan to leave my insti friends and Mittal the accomplice.
I think it was all that was on my happy mind when I started this blog. The rest of my recent memories didn’t make the list, sorry! And so I say good bye at this note. Oh the sun, rise please! I am shivering here.