I have thought for a long time what being gay entails. I have thought it long and hard; it is mostly better than being straight.
“Wait, what! You are not just saying that you are comfortable in your skin, but that you would rather be gay than straight, right?”
Obviously, gay people have it very bad. If you don’t know the magnitude, just look at the facts. They are here, there, everywhere… but what is a sucide by a teen on the other side of the planet to me, right? I am blessed with accepting friends who don’t judge so that I can actually appreciate the better parts of my gay nature.†
- Men are more easily available to get into bed. You are gay, that by definition means you prefer a banana over melons any day. Therefore, going through the motions of life, you seek another banana-owner. He wants to peel it, you want to peel it for him. Whether he is gay or not is immaterial. The best part is that it is free. Yeah, yeah: go search among the gay fish if you want back the favour. Even that is not difficult since gays are a desperate lot when it comes to bodily needs.
- Makes you more compassionate. I don’t know why it happened, but being gay is taboo. It is regularly used to denigrate anyone and many people utter ‘gay’ as if it would sting their tongue or spread AIDS. When people whisper behind your backs and go silent when you tell them about a boy you like, it makes you think twice about societal attitudes. Had I been straight, I might have possibly not thought twice about it, but now I am very sensitive to words that might hurt others’ sentiments. Women, muslims, North-eastners (in India), lower castes, fat people, weird people, general people with insecurities… I try to behave better towards them. It is because I know what it feels like to be singled out. Because a harmless comment can make you tongue-tied because you have a barrage of emotions despite the fact that you know the comment was innocuous.
- Much more to experiment. In a traditional relationship it is no fun because all of them have clear defined roles. Moreover, in a country like India, boys are more assertive. But with being gays comes with the perplexity of what to do of two bodies with two keys and no keyholes. It just means that you have to plug it somewhere – anywhere – and that means you experiment with your bodies. Funner all the way!
- Anatomy 101. A gay man idolizes male body. Observing one tells you much about yourself too. So, you know the point at which your mouth has reflexive gag response and how much wide can your legs be parted. Smell of the hole and taste of the pole. And so on. These days when mass shootings, water cannons in cold weather and end of the world are very distinct possibilities, knowledge is truly power.
- Break free from gender stereotypes in your world. My world is not the world God created. I am talking about the world that you create with your own hands, sweat and bile mixed. You have friends who don’t know whether to treat you as a girl or a boy because you are not only a man but also like men. Your life won’t be riddled with assumptions of breadwinner or caretaker. Both you and your boyfriend, being men, have been treated equally by the society and thus have approximately same disposition towards themselves and their partners. So if you don’t want to pick up socks on your way or don’t want to construct the bird-house, you can’t resort to well-worn non-sequiturs using your gender as a shield.
- Less sentimental drama. Men are typically conditioned socially to be less inclined to pout or weep. Thus they are better candidates for a dry debate, assuming they have the brain to process it. This is a very generalised assumption, so this advantage is nullified in a lot of cases with dumb handsome boyfriends. Not that girls don’t have the brains (I in fact think they have more), but a lot more guys would like to cry if it was not taboo. On the other hand, since both of you are guys, you should be able to guess the mind games being played; if you don’t, you might unfortunately be the dumb handsome boyfriend.
- Valid reason to flee away from family at a moment’s notice. There are times when I just want to leave everything behind and make a new start in my life. Just break off all contact and run away. Go play casino or hitchhike your way through the galaxy. If I survive highway-trucks, hot-n-cold weathers, AIDS, tattoos, break-ups, poverty et al, I might want to return to my roots. In that case, how would I explain if I come days/months/years later. They would be worried, yes. But they would be mostly perplexed as to what made me leave at all. When accusations and windpipes fly in your face, come out to them as gay. An easy story would be that you were confused and ashamed, and that suicide was the only other option you could contemplate back then. They would understand and forgive you anyway. Everything happy. Risk: many relations might cool off due to lack of time given to them in the meanwhile. So, make secret contact or write letters to people before leaving for whom you might come back.
- Ultimate weapon to legitimize unacceptable behaviour. Can be used only once, and should be reserved for real big disasters. Again the standard response would be that you were jittery because you wanted to come out. Entails that you shouldn’t have already come out. Good reason not to come out.
- When you haven’t come out, you are deemed mysterious. People watch you with a squinted eye, because the one big lie comes with a baggage of little white/gray lies. It adds to your net worth just like that. Win!
- Grab eyeballs easily. A good excuse to be in the limelight with regular coming outs. It might be important for several reasons. If you want to come closer with anyone with whom you have cordial relations. Strangers might find your coming out creepy, awkward, out-of-place or casual, depending on how much you focus on it. If you are ok with it, why was it then so important to come out to a stranger at all? Feels 50-50-ish. Also, it could be that you want to out focus away from someone else: your enemy, your still-closeted gay-ex, your unwed pregnant friend… the list is endless; and not everything is narcissist. Of course, coming out like this makes it easy for potential partners, “I am your honey, bay-‘bees’ “.
- Adopted baby. Reproduction involves a host of headaches that are de-emphasized by society. First, you have to check every night with your woman if you impregnated your wife or not. Doctor’s visits and desperate Googling sessions later the baby is formed within female body. The problem doesn’t end there; there is nine months of more waiting when you finally get a messy, bloody baby. He cries all day and doesn’t know the work that you are doing to her/him during all those days. It is all done to finally enjoy the child when he is grown up enough. A better way: enjoy the fruits of an over-populous planet and get yourself an adopted baby. With gays, the natural option doesn’t exist; so adoption becomes more acceptable in social circle sans any stigma, in spite of the fact that you wanted it all along anyway.
- You stand on your two own feet. Makes you feel awkward, but it also tells you an important nature of society, that it is an illusion. There are many things you won’t do because your family, your friends or the stray cat two blocks away won’t like. Why does it matter to you if it is harmless for all parties? You can dance however you want at your sister’s wedding. And count all the stars in the sky. If that is what you want, go for it! And being gay makes it easy for you because you don’t feel a part of a mob, giving you more leg-space.
And it gets better. And better. There are big, small things that make you what you are. Embrace it, and bide your time till you manage to leave negativity behind in the whirls of your car engine. Gay for it!
†If I was able to rile you up, I win. :D