Lucky to be Gay and How: Advantages over a Heteronormative Man

I have thought for a long time what being gay entails. I have thought it long and hard; it is mostly better than being straight.
“Wait, what! You are not just saying that you are comfortable in your skin, but that you would rather be gay than straight, right?”
Right.

Obviously, gay people have it very bad. If you don’t know the magnitude, just look at the facts. They are here, there, everywhere… but what is a sucide by a teen on the other side of the planet to me, right? I am blessed with accepting friends who don’t judge so that I can actually appreciate the better parts of my gay nature.†

  1. Men are more easily available to get into bed. You are gay, that by definition means you prefer a banana over melons any day. Therefore, going through the motions of life, you seek another banana-owner. He wants to peel it, you want to peel it for him. Whether he is gay or not is immaterial. The best part is that it is free. Yeah, yeah: go search among the gay fish if you want back the favour. Even that is not difficult since gays are a desperate lot when it comes to bodily needs.
  2. Makes you more compassionate. I don’t know why it happened, but being gay is taboo. It is regularly used to denigrate anyone and many people utter ‘gay’ as if it would sting their tongue or spread AIDS. When people whisper behind your backs and go silent when you tell them about a boy you like, it makes you think twice about societal attitudes. Had I been straight, I might have possibly not thought twice about it, but now I am very sensitive to words that might hurt others’ sentiments. Women, muslims, North-eastners (in India), lower castes, fat people, weird people, general people with insecurities… I try to behave better towards them. It is because I know what it feels like to be singled out. Because a harmless comment can make you tongue-tied because you have a barrage of emotions despite the fact that you know the comment was innocuous.
  3. Much more to experiment. In a traditional relationship it is no fun because all of them have clear defined roles. Moreover, in a country like India, boys are more assertive. But with being gays comes with the perplexity of what to do of two bodies with two keys and no keyholes. It just means that you have to plug it somewhere – anywhere – and that means you experiment with your bodies. Funner all the way!
  4. Anatomy 101. A gay man idolizes male body. Observing one tells you much about yourself too. So, you know the point at which your mouth has reflexive gag response and how much wide can your legs be parted. Smell of the hole and taste of the pole. And so on. These days when mass shootings, water cannons in cold weather and end of the world are very distinct possibilities, knowledge is truly power.
  5. Break free from gender stereotypes in your world. My world is not the world God created. I am talking about the world that you create with your own hands, sweat and bile mixed. You have friends who don’t know whether to treat you as a girl or a boy because you are not only a man but also like men. Your life won’t be riddled with assumptions of breadwinner or caretaker. Both you and your boyfriend, being men, have been treated equally by the society and thus have approximately same disposition towards themselves and their partners. So if you don’t want to pick up socks on your way or don’t want to construct the bird-house, you can’t resort to well-worn non-sequiturs using your gender as a shield.
  6. Less sentimental drama. Men are typically conditioned socially to be less inclined to pout or weep. Thus they are better candidates for a dry debate, assuming they have the brain to process it. This is a very generalised assumption, so this advantage is nullified in a lot of cases with dumb handsome boyfriends. Not that girls don’t have the brains (I in fact think they have more), but a lot more guys would like to cry if it was not taboo. On the other hand, since both of you are guys, you should be able to guess the mind games being played; if you don’t, you might unfortunately be the dumb handsome boyfriend.
  7. Valid reason to flee away from family at a moment’s notice. There are times when I just want to leave everything behind and make a new start in my life. Just break off all contact and run away. Go play casino or hitchhike your way through the galaxy. If I survive highway-trucks, hot-n-cold weathers, AIDS, tattoos, break-ups, poverty et al, I might want to return to my roots. In that case, how would I explain if I come days/months/years later. They would be worried, yes. But they would be mostly perplexed as to what made me leave at all. When accusations and windpipes fly in your face, come out to them as gay. An easy story would be that you were confused and ashamed, and that suicide was the only other option you could contemplate back then. They would understand and forgive you anyway. Everything happy. Risk: many relations might cool off due to lack of time given to them in the meanwhile. So, make secret contact or write letters to people before leaving for whom you might come back.
  8. Ultimate weapon to legitimize unacceptable behaviour. Can be used only once, and should be reserved for real big disasters. Again the standard response would be that you were jittery because you wanted to come out. Entails that you shouldn’t have already come out. Good reason not to come out.
  9. When you haven’t come out, you are deemed mysterious. People watch you with a squinted eye, because the one big lie comes with a baggage of little white/gray lies. It adds to your net worth just like that. Win!
  10. Grab eyeballs easily. A good excuse to be in the limelight with regular coming outs. It might be important for several reasons. If you want to come closer with anyone with whom you have cordial relations. Strangers might find your coming out creepy, awkward, out-of-place or casual, depending on how much you focus on it. If you are ok with it, why was it then so important to come out to a stranger at all? Feels 50-50-ish. Also, it could be that you want to out focus away from someone else: your enemy, your still-closeted gay-ex, your unwed pregnant friend… the list is endless; and not everything is narcissist. Of course, coming out like this makes it easy for potential partners, “I am your honey, bay-‘bees’ “.
  11. Adopted baby. Reproduction involves a host of headaches that are de-emphasized by society. First, you have to check every night with your woman if you impregnated your wife or not. Doctor’s visits and desperate Googling sessions later the baby is formed within female body. The problem doesn’t end there; there is nine months of more waiting when you finally get a messy, bloody baby. He cries all day and doesn’t know the work that you are doing to her/him during all those days. It is all done to finally enjoy the child when he is grown up enough. A better way: enjoy the fruits of an over-populous planet and get yourself an adopted baby. With gays, the natural option doesn’t exist; so adoption becomes more acceptable in social circle sans any stigma, in spite of the fact that you wanted it all along anyway.
  12. You stand on your two own feet. Makes you feel awkward, but it also tells you an important nature of society, that it is an illusion. There are many things you won’t do because your family, your friends or the stray cat two blocks away won’t like. Why does it matter to you if it is harmless for all parties? You can dance however you want at your sister’s wedding. And count all the stars in the sky. If that is what you want, go for it! And being gay makes it easy for you because you don’t feel a part of a mob, giving you more leg-space.

And it gets better. And better. There are big, small things that make you what you are. Embrace it, and bide your time till you manage to leave negativity behind in the whirls of your car engine. Gay for it!

†If I was able to rile you up, I win. :D

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5 thoughts on “Lucky to be Gay and How: Advantages over a Heteronormative Man

  1. Love this!
    I have a few to add…
    Sex. A whole bunch of reasons for this one
    Men take a lot less time to complete than women, so same-sex sex is perfectly synced.
    Men and women peak sexually at different ages.
    You already know how your own anatomy works, so the anatomy of someone with the same parts as you is a lot easier to master than the anatomy of someone who’s genitalia boggles your mind.
    Also, as a woman, not having a freak-out every month about whether or not you’re pregnant is pretty awesome.
    While number one doesn’t count for lesbians, we have ‘syncing’ on our side (when you’re around another woman a lot, your time-of-the-month syncs with hers) so there’s no one party in a relationship being frustrated…
    Also, I think being gay means you’re more aware of things culturally and politically because gay-rights are a massive deal these days. Again, as you said, it makes you nicer, it helps you empathise with people.

    1. Hehe, thanks! It is a pity I can’t like your comment on WordPress, because I would have never guessed these points, ever. Thanks for adding them. Female private parts disgust me; I never looked at them properly even in the science books. Oh (non-existent) God! (Thinking of blue skies and green meadows with lazy cows around.)

      And as a corollary to your last point, I would say you also get a genuine movement to take part in and shout your lungs out – public protests are in vogue nowadays in Delhi. :D

      1. Sorry for the “disgust” word. I believe in girls. But there is just something about it that makes me very uncomfortable. Even the thought; I might just have problems.

        Note: A drive to make internet better. This comment is only to myself.

  2. I have to disagree on almost all counts, con anon! Being gay is no excuse for behavior, or how you treat other people. I do agree that it CAN make one more sensitive towards others, more open and honest, and independent. But saying being gay can give you reasons to leave your family or excuse your bad behavior or steal the spotlight just makes us gay people look bad. And where are these men that are so easy to get into bed? Share some with me! And adoption is a long, painful, messy process emotionally, but maybe not physically. And in my experience there is just as much if not more drama in gay relationships. Maybe some of these are cultural differences (I’m in the US), but I would challenge to to see being gay as a gift, not an advantage. Don’t misunderstand, I love being gay! Its like Christmas every day. and yes, the sex is way better. ;) But maybe be a little more sensitive to this “heteronormative” stereotype you are comparing yourself t. Thanks for a great post!

    1. Noo! Don’t let this post destroy with seriousness! I have recounted here before what I went through in school for being gay. It was very mild but heartbreaking, though it all can be relative. And yes, I feel lucky I have always surrounded myself with the best of friends. And that is why I can actually feel to post something like this, if only because sad, tragic tales of my life have evaporated.

      On the other hand, I defend every single point here even they are goofy; mostly because so many of them are personal. I would not defend every single of them but only the ones you mention. (“Time is money, bay-bee!”) First, the family. I have always created the thought-experiment of leaving your life all of a sudden with a note behind. How liberating and lonely would it be! Should I come back later, if ever, since I would have caused so much pain to my family. In that case, being gay is a valid reason not to get thrown out. Among others that I could make up. But sticking with (half-)truth never hurts.

      Then comes the unacceptable parts. Lies get me get on with my life. I do so many dumb mistakes – big and small – that people stop accepting my truths at face value. And with lying, I have learnt that more bizarre it is, the more believable it becomes (±common-sense). I had so many lined up for being late at school – a cow was chasing me, I found a little boy who was lost and his house was at the end of the street etc. I just had to. And then I got people to believe thatr Sanjay Leela Bhansali had cast me in his movie. I have got people to put toothpaste under their eyes for dark circles’ remedy (it works!) and passed off a very dirty, pathogenic dirt as Tulsi (don’t do it!). Otherwise too, my mistakes are so dumb, I am afraid I am still living. I have broken the mike on stage at school, entered the practicals at college an hour later – the second time I was still sleeping when people entered the hall. Teachers took my unkempt hurried, ghastly look to mean that I was ill, I coughed a little to make it sure they felt like it. I wanted to pass my exams after all! So given my history, using my homosexuality as a shield is not very far off. I actually came very near to do it; to get soe people insti off my back. “I need time. It’s not you it’s me”, I would say solemnly.

      And as for stealing the spotlight, I am the last person made for it. But it works, if you know how to do it. Not that it is moral or practical or anything, but it works! I even listed some hypothetical valid situations out there (it is a little unclear what I was writing because I was half-sleeping at the end to get it out of my way). And the best way to get a potential partner is to spread the fact that you are gay; perhaps some closeted ones might drop by.

      Sex. Yes, that depends on what you want to get from the man. I made it explicit that what you get from straight men (dick) is different from gay men (+ bonus!). And I don’t go to gay bars myself, I know for a fact that people go there only to satisfy themselves. Here, it is the case anyway. There is such a dearth of gay people, that he would sleep with whoever he gets. I know not a single gay man in my life (sad!) but my public online status attracts much more than crickets. And going back to gay bars, you just have to drop your ego, massage someone down under and become a despo. It wouldn’t earn you any points for self-respect, but you will get your man. 100%. Not the case with women where the only 100% guarantee is a tight slap on the cheek.

      I don’t like babies. So that is why I would prefer a little grown up children, at least 5-6 months to a year. That is personal opinion. And reading Dear Prudence has made rock hard about it. It is only as much mess as you want to creation emotionally. If you say, “Yea kid, I love you but you are adopted. There, be lucky that you are because I always wished I was one, yo”, do you think your child would feel guilty? Children are like monkeys, so don’t hide it or feel ashamed about talking it in the open. Your children won’t too.

      At last – and there is always one – drama and conflict are two different things. Girls on an average are too dramatic for their own good. I know it because I am gay so my obvious affinity is with girls over boys. Why? I don’t know. Does it make me a girl? No! But yes, once you have established you feel more comfortable with girls even if you are not looking for it (because I have nothing against boys), you find that there aren’t many to be friendly with. I found a bunch of the best in my class after shuffling through all of it and it feels worth it. Yet, I can’t dis-remember the trauma of clingy, bitchy, selfish girls among them all. Such categories in boys too, so don’t take it wrong. But they are a different beasts. They are aloof, wannabe-heroes and such. They don’t cry because of society. And the fact that I can’t stand tears in a logical debate is why I am happy I am gay. Yeah, it seems very misogynist and it does, but I am specifically choosing ills of the manhood over the ills of womanhood because I understand the former better, all of this given societal stereotypes. I hope it makes it clear?

      Note #1 In the comments when I said female private parts disgust me, it was just that. I love my sister and friend to bits (and pieces, seriously). And therefore, I just cannot say women are bad. They are in fact better than men in general. They steer my life in course after all. So no, I am not anti-women and yes, I don’t like their private parts. Eww!

      Note #2 Syntax and grammar. There might be typo errors, ignore them. Gloves are the culprit. By you, I don’t mean YOU, but a third person. It is just the way I talk, don’t take it personally because people do! If you have already taken it personally, read it again. It is a luxury I can’t give to people with whom i am talking. So, enjoy it!

      Note #3 I have another post coming up on what are the disadvantages of being gay. But my crcuial exam of life is coming up and I have rub my nose yellow with books, now that the world is sure to continue till Feb 10. Oh (non-existent) God!

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