Dear Diary: I wrote all this wearing my new gloves. Life is colder than cold, isn’t it?


The sun is setting. And my dog is sleeping noisily beside me. I am sitting in front of the ad slots between ‘Grey’s Anatomy’. And if I don’t change my ways, I am going to fail my IIT exam the next month.

Getting that out my way, I want to talk about a lot of random things today. They keep popping in my head and I don’t tell them now, can it bulge and make some undetected tumor in my head go explode because there is a lack of space? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I don’t know my sister at all. We share a lot of each others’ space. We sit in the same room. We share the same cupboard for our stuff; I get the to shelf and she the middle but our socks and such stuff are intermingled in many different bags. We share the same laptop. We share the same TV. We share the same music player, though both of us have abandoned it. Now I get it why she hated it when I used to pick up her phone to make a call. She needed space and privacy, and a phone is an utterly private space. I knew it the hard way.

My friend and my cousin are a couple and the worst part is that they met through me. Though I tried to make them break up, they just withstood all that pressure. But I am not the sole person threatening their relationship; they themselves are. They fight up a lot and then patch up. My friend is vert fragile and self-doubting. She knows my brother is not the one for her, but she can’t give him up. He is controlling, manipulative, obsessive and unfaithful. I don’t know what future lies with him. Yet they both have informally made up their minds about the marriage; my brother even explicitly mentioned it told me once when he was sleeping over at my house. It makes me cringe. Both of them have obvious issues with them. They are not on talking terms for more time than they actually be happy together. He is not even that beautiful and I know it because I am gay and notice a lot of people.

Earlier I used to mediate between them a lot but I have been stung multiple times. She would come to me to cry hoarse about him, I would console her and hear her out, then if I get a chance, I would preach to him in a little off-the-cuff manner. And what would he do? He would go on hurt her again, she would promise me that she would go to him again, but she’ll go anyway. The cycle continues. I used to feel very bad that my own brother is so misogynistic. But she is a masochist girl too. Someone who just likes to discuss problems and not solutions isn’t looking for solutions at all. Once we had a very big fight, me and my friend on one side and he on the other. There were buckets of dollops of tears and accusations flying in the air. I told my cousin some stuff that were pretty scathing and quite nosy. But I thought it was the end of the road, it looked like that. I mistook a foolish act for a brave one, but he is quite good in that sense. He acted as if nothing happened. We are a close family who meet each other quite a few times a year. He turned an awkward situation into a very normal one. But again, they were together. Since that night, I have stopped intruding into their life altogether (except for a couple or two major outbreaks) and I have been pretty peaceful since.

Till about a week ago. If you think my tirade was abrupt, it was not; it was just some context for what I found out about my cousin; he snooped on my phone! That can’t be stressed enough. He deliberately picked up my phone and searched through my chat history to find what me and the friend were talking about. This is seriously disturbing. He is not asking my permission, but going through my call history and messages in a sleazy manner, just because he wanted to get an upper hand on my friend. She had a different number that he didn’t know about. That itself is a red signal if two people committed to each other for five years have to keep stuff as important as phone numbers secret. My blood boiled at hearing about it, but when I met him I behaved as if nothing happened because my friend told me all this and she didn’t want to get into trouble. What is she, thirteen?! I just want to slap her and make her see! But she won’t, so that’s beyond the point. I would keep my belongings with me away from him and just pray for her soul.

I really am very careless about my personal items. I have lost two wallets and two phones till date. That is just when I was actually successful about losing them. For times than I have lost count and probably more times than a second-hand ticks during an hour, people have handed me back my phone, my wallet, my notebooks, my IDs, my bags, my pens, my… you get the idea. The lab attendants in my college sounded pretty serious when they told me they would seriously make me write a formal application if they find my cellphone anymore. I have had a bus conductor and me back my cellphone – how in the whole world did it get there?! My friends know that I have a book at home when I say I don’t, and they just make sure to check for my things too along with theirs in the surroundings, when we leave. I remember this story now. It was fest in our college and a senior got to me urgently because they didn’t have any participants and really needed someone. So I am running after her. But mid-way, I find that my friends who were behind me are no more there. To the left, nope. To the right, nope. I looked around but they had just vanished. So I just kept going after the girl who I was chasing. After a while when we meet, I accuse them of deserting me. The moment I say it, was the moment they prance upon me. While running, some money flew out of my bag. I ran absent-mindedly but they stopped to catch the notes that were everywhere now. That is how much I rely on them.

Yeah, I know I should be more careful but it is something that never crosses my mind at all. My shelf is so dishevelled that a whole stack of clothes hits me if I am not careful when opening the door. It is a sea of clothes, period, in which I barely survive. I once saw some mosquitoes breeding there and I panicked because I just hate them. That was a motivation to clean it then, but now I am complacent again. I just hate to clean up. My sister hates me for it, as a result, because as we have already established I share a lot of literal space with my sister. Though, it is a fact that for the first time in many years, laziness is not the supreme factor in guiding my decisions nowadays. It is the extreme cold in Delhi. The record of 44 years broken (much more than my 19 years in this world), I can’t stop shivering at all. The minimum temperature is hovering near 273-275 Kelvin for the last week; Meteorological Department says it would get better after Tuesday. I hope it doles because I am wrapped in so much clothes that I can’t be recognized at all. Yet, my legs are feeling cold. Hey! It would make for a good photograph here!

I am holding a chalk with blackboard in background having the words "Jesus Don't Cry Norah Jones. Oh noes, I have terrible Handwriting" written on them
Norah Jones was playing in the background

This is me covered from head to toe. The surface area that you do see is because of my specs: if I cover my nose enough, vapours precipitate on the lens. A hazy world is certainly not my idea of living. This blackboard on the other hand is certainly one. No, this blackboard is here not because I want to be a teacher and no I don’t mean to say I don’t want to be a teacher. Actually I want to be a teacher but this blackboard has nothing to do with it. This blackboard exists in our home because I want to improve my handwriting. I read that we have to use our upper arm muscles to gain precision and minimize hand and wrist movements (read more here). But I have abandoned it after two days of dedicated time for it; it gets really tiring. Though when I write something, many-a-times I do try to write the right way.

My sister is learning Perl nowadays for her reasearch. It is exciting to see that she actually finds programming addictive. And now she is trying all sorts of things with it. I hope her winning streak continues. Did I ever tell you that my mystery man of yore is straight? I have described him in some of the previous posts, who I thought gave me googly eyes. But what I came to know is that he is after my friend who is already committed to my brother. So, he is definitely not interested in guys. So my search for a dumb hot boyfriend continues.

1611 Words are enough for a random rambling. Ich muss mich jetzt hier halten. Tschüss!


I would love it if you go "tippy, tap" with your keyboard here :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s