Things I Will Never Know

There are things you will never know. I am sitting cross-legged on a bed with a blanket laying carelessly across my thighs and sprawled ahead in front of me – the space where my laptop and Nancy lie – open and crumpled, respectively. But you will never know it unless I tell them to you, nor would you appreciate that I face the door and the darkness entering through the door makes the fully-lighted room a bit darker. And that a thousand and one cords are attached my poor old three USB ports. And that my room is a mess right now. I can see the bits and pieces clinging in places… our brain making room for the room in your mind for a cupboard behind me and a night-lamp which hangs upside down from the wall directly in front of me.

There are things that I will not know too. I saw how a visitor from US of A was mentioned in my stats. Was it the president of the country? Or my love Norah Jones? Is that visitor my die-hard fan who keeps checking my page every other day or so anticipating a new post? Or is it just that iPad of a person just blanked out while they were opening WordPress and in the desperate attempts to bring back the screen, the person just randomly pressed here and there on the iPad – and somehow landed on my page registering oneself as an unsuspecting visitor (the screen might still be blank and the iPad running and my homepage might still be there behind the dark screen + a possibly sad person).

There is so much that we do not know. My professor used to define information as something that we do not know and wish to know. I used to laugh at this definition. But I do not anymore. There is so much data in the world. Is all of it information to me? I am not so sure now.

And then there are things I will not know now. But I will know them five years hence. There are so many questions in my mind. I have a dysfunctional family and I am a fully functional delinquent in it. My mother asks me not to let Nancy on the bed; she is there anyway. Where would I be in next five years and when will I lose Nancy during those five years – she is 10+ years old bitch right now. And then would my mother be living with me? Would I have come out to her by then? And father: how will I be able to ditch father, separate father and mother, and remove mother’s loneliness? Questions to which I need answers. And the questions of which only time is the answer.

And then there are things I will never know because of the man I am today. I never had a father whom I could love without reservation. I have always had a sister whom I have always admired. And I have always had a mother who looks after me and will do anything for me. So when I see gay people marrying a girl, I just cannot relate with them. I understand the disconnection in our circumstances but even upon trying, I fail to see how one’s current relations can affect their lives. I just thank Gods that I have got family and friends who will stand by me. And then maybe people who do not see logic in an argument: I have seen people dig up mirth on a person which would be tens of months old and which doesn’t relate to the matter at hand: ad hominem attacks in plain sight and without any guilt. I, a person who has always appreciated logic, even though I am not always ruled by it, cannot see how people behave in so drastically different ways. Or maybe I still do not know the laws by which humans are governed.

But, then the laws too are something that I might never know. And thus only will be how I would die.

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