A diary is a peculiar thing. You do not understand its value until some time has passed. I came here to resume my habit of writing my diary. But then I started reading the last post. It was about my mother’s death.
It was deeply interesting and upsetting. It recounted the events of that day with so much clarity. So many details. One thing that I am proud of is that I have moved on so well. I have found a direction in life with my boyfriend. My bond with my sister still grows strong, I still feel we are a team; I never would imagine a different future. In fact, I just came back from a trip with my sister. I visited her in Germany.
But a lot of things have happened since then. I wish I captured them too in my diary. But it is okay. I was with a guy in a long distance relationship but I broke up with him messily, hastily and unilaterally and got together with another acquaintance at the time. This happened in March of last year (2018).
It was going well but cracks began to show up about a month or two ago. He and I were getting more and more disillusioned with each other. It happened once before the vacation (he joined me to Munich vacation), once during the vacation, and now just as we reached home (we work and live together, don’t judge me, it is a longer story). For that, he decided that we need to spend some time separately.
I was feeling a lot of emotions but I have feeling for a while that I need to go to therapy. I have a lot of issues with how to deal with my emotions. I get overwhelmed and get shut. Or I become businesslike. Or I keep seething for no reason. These are not healthy ways to express myself. So therapy for that.
Moreover, the fact that he suggested separation freaked me out. It felt like break up when he said it. But it is better now. I am more composed. Conversation feels forced though. But it is day 1 of trying to be better. I also have my frustrations but it is better to delve in them when I have more clarity about them.
See you more often!