Leaning In

I have always been guilty of not documenting my life as is. But only when I am overwhelmed. And thus, the parts of my life with great communication (aka Akhilesh) are under-represented. Will fix it later.

For now, I will talk about a feeling I have been ignoring and rationalizing. I will lean into it as dangerously as possible and see if it fills me with dread or thrill. The risk of this exercise is that it may make things real that I don’t intend to. I am just trusting my gut feeling to kick in ad pull me back.

This is about Bansal, a new, male Bansal in my life. I feel the tenderness and protectiveness I feel for him is not explained just by saying he is a close friend. I will ask various questions of various intensities.

Do I have a crush on him?

I think so. I am slightly obsessed like I used to be with Bhushan of Bhushank fame. I find certain mannerisms cuter. I want to be touchy feely him more than usual.

Does it mean something is wrong with Akhilesh?

I do feel like I do not feel similarly intense with Akhilesh. I can of course hand waive it away by saying he is stable partner and what not. But I will try to answer it from first principles.: why do I not?

I think it is because Akhilesh is boring in the moment. He, of course, gives me amazing sex. He wants to make sure I am okay. Our communication is in top form. I find him sexy. But Akhilesh is also boring. He is there, always.

I project a certain mystery on Bansal. What does he think? If he does not find something taboo, what will he want? He is young and will not find me sexy, really. And that is a sad fact too. I am digressing from my question and probably already answering…

What do I want from Bansal?

I want a certain comfort that may not exist already. And I feel like I may be grooming him? Of course, I am not. But if he feels I am a friend and then he feels I am taking advantage of him, he will have a sad view of the world. This is all projection of how things may happen. This can be disambiguated by talking. But do I want to blow up a friendship because of these feelings?

But there are things that make me sad. When he leaves for his house. When he says he will move to Delhi at some point. I will not entangle myself in the ridiculousness of these feelings, because I am leaning in right now. But I do feel that, but then it is not like I can give him something that he wants. I am very happy with what I have right now. And this is just optimizing for the next step: how can I make my happiness better? How can I have stability as well as newness?

Is it affecting my judgment of his life?

Not really. Vaibhav still seems like a weird vibe to deal with. I don’t think I say anything that will jeopardize his life.

Is it affecting anything with Akhilesh?

I think so. My denial and weird energy is affecting Akhilesh. He does say, “you figure out things are between you and him”. He may feel slight jealousy? He feels I will sabotage his friendship? Or force it unnaturally? No clue. This I have to talk to him.

How do I will in the end?

Weirdly, the same but slightly lighter. I probably need some forced space between Bansal and me. Crushes are crushes. They are not nothing. I cannot let a fleeting fantasy ruin my actual life. There is too much collateral damage. Also, should I tell him about all this? I may, if it comes up again. Yesterday, I behaved weirdly. I took off my jeans for no reason. And then felt like I pushed it too much. I think I was trying to hide behind being high. It was cowardly of me. I should say sorry to Akhilesh. Not because of what I did, but because I feel I cheated emotionally. Slightly.

Let me do things in bulleted fashion:

1. Tell Akhilesh about all this.
2. Tell Bansal about a less intense version of the same. The energy I am trying to match is of Kareena Kapoor when she asks Shahid Kapoor in Jab We Met if he loved her. It was very matter of fact and comfortable. Nothing creepy and everything above board.
3. Or not! But I do not like to live with lies in my head. I cannot handle it. I may consult Akhilesh for what is the best course of action.
4. In the end, I have to accept I am crushing hard right now, and that is the source of my intense protective streak. And distance myself slightly. I am not the main character.

I will just bask in this realization and indulge myself in this college crush vibe. It is fun to interact for what things arem and will take power away from it. I own the crush, not the other way round.

Thanks for listening!